Tuesday, September 16, 2008

41 Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

  1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  4. “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
  5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.
  6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
  8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
  10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  13. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
  15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.
  16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  17. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
  18. You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
  19. What Bill Clinton did in the s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the s is irrelevant.
  20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist; but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
  21. Be like Dick Cheney, who recently called the new Miss America unpatriotic - For wishing for world peace.
  22. Be like Tom Delay [The Hammer!] - Doesn’t he look like a big, fat Adolf Hitler without the mustache?
  23. With great power comes great responsibility — unless you’re Republican.
  24. Republicans believe that if you enjoy sex, you are doing it wrong.
  25. American justice should be blind, but Republicans prefer her deaf and mute.
  26. Republicans believe that politics is only dirty if you do it right.
  27. Republicans love deficits like Clinton loves sex.
  28. The voter always wins — unless Republicans have their way.
  29. The only time Republicans talk to blacks is when they challenge them at the polls.
  30. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Hillary Clinton and IMMIGRANTS.
  31. Lou Dobbs is a saint!
  32. Immigrants are contaminating America with Leprosy.
  33. There is an urgent need to keep the ‘Cradle of the Confederacy‘ safe from leprosy, pedophiles, Spanish and rampant godlessness.
  34. Bilingualism is killing America. Kill the INVADERS! — Tom Tancredo
  35. Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity of Fox News are the most FAIR & BALANCED newscasters in the world.
  36. Miami a ‘Third World country‘ — Tom Tancredo
  37. Ann Coulter is the reincarnation of Mother Teresa. She is also a Tadpole.
  38. You have to be “cockamamie” like Newt Gingrich: In a glimpse of what his candidacy might look like, he said he would shut down public schools that aren’t performing and offer a $ billion reward for the first private company that successfully completes a Mars mission — Reported by the AP
  39. Sen. Barack Obama is a dangerous “Madrassa” trained Terrorist, his real name is “Obama Osama,” according to Rush Limbaugh — The drug addicted radio talk show host most Republicans listen to.
  40. Draft-Dodging makes you a tougher patriot. and it is “Godly” to do anything and everything to get elected — this includes cross-dressing to appeal to liberal New York of Flip-Flop like a Yo-Yo regarding a woman’s right to abortion.
  41. Finally, you ought to be like Ronald Reagan, the president of “sunny optimism

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